I just talked to Johnny about some stuff thats been bothering me and it was a really good talk. More often than not he tells me and others that he "just cant give me what i want". Im not sure that I know what I want but these days I do know that if me and the father of my baby cannot be together in a relationship then i want to be best friends with him. And recently i've considered Johnny a best friend. He's the person i immediatly run to when i'm mad, upset, hurt, if something happened in my family. I feel close enough to him to go to him about my most personal feelings. More than anything that's what makes me happy. IDK if its the baby but i feel really close to him. I want to be around him experiencing things with him. But not as a couple. As friends doing this together. We're going to have to grow our friendship if we're going to have this baby together and be a team. Sure i still struggle with wanting to hold hands or kiss or whatever. But he doesnt want that and i need to respect that. So i do. I no longer make that move. Both Johnny and I struggle with not jumping eachothers bones. But it will be so much more beneficial in the end if we have that friendship base. Plus whatever happens after the baby is born is something we will deal with when that time comes. Right now we're doing the best we can with what we have. And im feeling pretty good about that.

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
Taking, as He did, this sinful world
as it is, not as I would have it;
Trusting that He will make all things right
if I surrender to His Will;
That I may be reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with Him
Forever in the next.
Amen.

--Reinhold Niebuhr

And I'd give up forever to touch you
Cause I know that you feel me somehow
You're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be
And I don't want to go home right now

And all I can taste is this moment
And all I can breathe is your life
Cause sooner or later it's over
I just don't want to miss you tonight

And I don't want the world to see me
Cause I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am


Messy Messy...
I was reading captivating the other day and in it it talks about how if a girl doesn't grow up being "Daddy's Little Princess" getting loved on, protected, etc. when she's little she will grow up still searching that out. I lived with my mom growing up and my dad was never too much of a touchy lovey person. Pat as well has never been a touchy lovey person so the only one to ever show me affection growing up was my mom. Im not saying this is a bad thing but in some ways it is. Im now 24 years old and completely lost. I find a lot of my worth in my ability to attract and keep a man. Often i feel like i need affection to breathe. Boundaries are invisible to me because i want to be loved by a man so bad that i will go long and wide to do all that i can to please a man to keep him. With a certain person who i wont name but you all know who im talking about--He's been the one true hope for affection in my life. He's shown me affection- the kind i crave. But a relationship with a man cannot be completely physical. I guess thats where i struggle. Because im willing to settle for an empty relationship in order to feel affection and feel that i am loved, desired, and pursued. This is something i cannot get past in my growing as a woman. I wish i could be the strong woman my friends know--the woman who can write a letter to someone telling them how she feels in every sort of way but then when in a room with that person becomes jello. Im 24. Yes that is young. But in all honesty im graduating in may and the next thing on my "list" is career, marriage and the children. I dont want to be an old mom. I'll be a month shy of 25 when i graduate college. I think that is an appropriate and understandable age to be considering marriage. Being 24 im still looking at that. If i meet someone i want to have a relationship that means something. Im not looking for a this or that kinda relationship. Im seriously looking long term. And whoever i meet/ whoever wants me needs to want this too. Otherwise i'm going to have to say goodbye. This means a lot to me. And i WILL NOT give up on my dreams. I've giving my past to God. I've made a vow to not have sex with a man until my wedding night and i WILL continue this vow. But whoever i meet/ whoever wants to be with me must want this as well. They must be strong enough in their faith to be able to say stop when its time. They need to be able to see that i'm struggling and speak for the two of us when we need to slow down. Relationships cannot stay in the honeymoon stage. God didn't make relationships to stay that way. He did make passion for a reason but he also made love and commitment for a reason. Don't you think that if you have such a passion for someone as we have that you would also love them? I guess because i'm a girl i don't understand this concept. Guys must be different. But my passion that i feel when i'm with this person continues on into love and deep admiration, commitment, trust, confidence, etc. I have all these feelings built up and no where to store them. Im constantly watching myself. I want it reciprocated. I want to be loved in a different way. I want to be shown love by communication. Love is ACTION. I'll believe it when i see it. I want to sit down and talk about things and not have that other person freeze up and go into shut down mode because i brought up marriage. If you're going into shut down mode then maybe we're not supposed to be together which also means maybe we shouldn't be being intimate together. I want to develop plans for the future together. Even if those plans are 2 years down the road. I want to sit and talk about what we both want. I'm not a mind reader i cant read anyones mind... most days i don't even know what mines thinking. But i do know that i want someone who knows what they want. Who wants to sit down with a blanket, look each other in the eyes, and say if we want kids or not, if we want to live in Michigan or somewhere else, if we want to raise our kids this way or that way. I do want this. All i want is communication. Why is it so hard to get? You can only be patient for so long....I haven't given up yet.... but i'm holding on by a thread right now.